Becoming a Recovered Perfectionist
To be honest, being a perfectionist was a badge of honor that I used to wear with pride. It wasn’t until my stress and anxiety, and the health issues that came along with them, became too much to bear that I realized that I needed to take a hard look at my desire to strive for perfection in everything. The main question I began to ask myself was: Who and what is this desire for perfection serving? And the resounding answer that I always got back was, “No one (most certainly not you)” and “Nothing.”
“Have the courage to be imperfect” – Brene Brown
Old Narratives
I think the reason that I believed my perfectionism was a good thing, was that it seemed to have always helped me achieve my “idea of success”. But when my idea of what truly made me successful shifted from my old narrative of getting straight As in school, having the perfect looking body, pursuing a career that made over six-figures to wanting to being more joyful, having a career that serves others in a meaningful way, to live with less stress and more freedom, and to be a happier mom and wife, I saw that my previous perfectionism had no place in this new narrative.
For years, I was torturing myself based on the story that had always played in my head – that in order to be respected, desired, and loved, I had to be perfect. Never once did it cross my mind that no one in my circle of loved ones and friends actually cared whether I was perfect or not. And the truth is, anyone in my life that truly matters and loves me 100% does not care whether or not I live up to my perfectionist standards or not. They just want me to be happy and healthy- and I needed to want that for myself too.
Permission to Be Imperfect
Now that I am a parent and working to heal the wounds of my own inner child, it has become even more important for me to not model or expect perfection from myself, my spouse, or my children. Do I want my kids to have the same struggles, anxieties, fears, and pain as I did as a child and throughout most of my adult life, or do I want that struggle to end with me?
Of course, they will have their own journeys to navigate, but if they can do it with less worry and more joy, with less fear and more confidence, then as a parent, I need to live with less worry and more joy, with less fear and more confidence. The only way that I can truly instill these values in them and not live with the same false-filled narratives that I did growing up, is to embody this way of living myself, and be a role model to them in the ways of joy, happiness, and embracing imperfection.
“Breaking free of Perfection takes a shift in your Perspective and the ability to be more Patient and loving with yourself” – Jessica Sweet, The Glowing Vibes
Shift Your Perspective
When I find myself leaning back into a state of perfectionism, I immediately work to change my perspective on whatever situation it is that I am trying to control. To shift my perspective, I use a simple mantra to remind myself that whatever the outcome, everything will still be okay. The simple mantra that takes me from a state of controlling perfectionist to someone that is giving permission to accept the outcome, perfect or otherwise, is:
“So Be It.”
I learned this mantra during my yoga teacher training and it has helped me so much over the years. There are times, especially within the past year where I have literally said this mantra out loud, while also per throwing my hands up in the air. The physical gesture with the verbal mantra feels so liberating and I can feel the weight and burden from the pressure and control I have placed on myself and the situation dissipate almost immediately. This simple act of surrender is not giving up; rather, it is allowing for there to be other outcomes that I may not have thought of, including an imperfect one, or a way better one.
Give Thanks and Surrender
Another method that I have used to help break free of perfection is to give thanks. Whenever I feel stuck in the mindset of needing to control something in my life, be it myself or situation, giving thanks to the Universe for taking the outcome out of my hands is equally as liberating and powerful as the mantra “So Be It”. I have learned over the years through the study of different spiritual teachers that our human minds are not capable of imagining all of the possible wonderful ways that things in our lives can take shape. We get so stuck in the what and the how that we forget that our way may not be the best way.
The simple act of surrendering the outcome and not worrying about the hows is so powerful, and voicing gratitude in advance to the Universe for providing an outcome beyond what we can imagine further amplifies this power. So next time you feel like you are stuck on a certain outcome, especially one versed in perfection, repeat this mantra:
“Thank you Universe for taking care of the outcome to this situation.”
You can even follow this up with “So Be It” to really signal to the Universe that you are surrendering to the infinite possibilities that exist outside of what you can imagine. And by not spending so much time focused on the whats and the hows, you free yourself to focus more on doing what brings you joy.
Be Patient and Loving To Yourself
Just like when we are starting anything new, like a new diet or workout regimen, we can expect to have setbacks when trying to break free from perfectionism as well. Shifting your perspective and implementing new narratives requires patience, non-judgment, and love towards yourself. If you find yourself struggling with letting go of wanting things to be perfect, remind yourself why you are wanting or needing to break free.
For example, when I find myself getting caught up in things being perfect, like my house being perfectly clean, or cooking perfect meals every night, I remind myself that I need to let go of perfectionism for my mental and physical health, as well as my happiness and the happiness of my family. These things are more important than having a perfectly clean house all the time, or setting gourmet dinners on the table every night. The amount of years that I suffered from anxiety, stress, and the physical and mental tolls that it placed on my body are my reminder of why perfectionism does not add value to my life.
Take Action
Starting anything new, especially when it comes to breaking old habits and shifting our mindset, takes time, patience, love, and persistence. Here are a few simple action steps you can do to lean into imperfection and the beauty of letting things be and seeing what unfolds.
- [ ] Shift perspective when leaning towards perfectionism
- [ ] Use the mantra “So Be It” to remind oneself that everything will be okay regardless of the outcome
- [ ] Give thanks to the Universe for taking care of the outcome to a situation
- [ ] Be patient, non-judgmental, and loving towards oneself when trying to break free from perfectionism
- [ ] Remember why you want or need to break free of perfection and how it will impact your life once you do
Additional Resources
Needing some additional help in this area? Here are some of my favorite resources to help overcome the draw toward perfection and to help you lean more into the imperfect.
Books
The Gifts of Imperfection – Brene Brown, PhD and leading expert on shame, authenticity, and belonging.
The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power – Katherine Morgan Schafler
It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle – Mark Wolynn
Workbooks
The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism: Evidence-Based Skills to Help You Let Go of Self-Criticism, Build Self-Esteem, and Find Balance – Sharon Martin DSW LCSW
TED Talks
Charly Haversat: Perfectionism Holds Us Back – Here’s Why
Thomas Curran: Our Dangerous Obsession with Perfectionism is Getting Worse
Sarah Lewis: Embrace the Near Win
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